Body is tired, mind is racing.
I was so scared I wouldn't be able to take care of a little baby.
Now I feel confident that I can.
Not sure if that's a good thing.
Doctor says I'm severely anemic.
Guess that's why I'm tired all the time.
Iron pills don't agree with me though.
I wonder if this means I've paid part of my dues and can have an easier unmedicated labor.
Haha, one can hope.
I have a low pain threshold.
Threshold, hmmm, sodium and potassium channels. So so long ago.
At first I wanted to have a darlin' little baby girl.
Then I didn't care.
And now, well, now I want a sweet little boy that reminds me of his daddy.
Pregnancy is hard.
Feeling little peanut move makes up for it.
All the fear, doubt, anxiety, prayer, hope.
I hope it protects you from all the evil in this world.
I want to keep you safe forever.
I don't want to smother you.
Daddy'll help.
He'll make sure I give you your space.
If you're like your momma, you'll drive me crazy.
You'll need a LOT of space.
My daddy was so good to me. Allah yerhamu.
He loved me like no other.
I learned to love from him.
Surah An-Nas
In the name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.
Say: I seek refuge in the Lord of mankind,
The King of mankind,
The God of mankind,
From the evil of the sneaking whisperer,
Who whispereth in the hearts of mankind,
Of the jinn and of mankind.
Surah al-Falaq:
In the name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.
Say: "I seek refuge in the Lord of Daybreak
From the evil of that which He created;
From the evil of the darkness when it is intense,
And from the evil of malignant witchcraft,
And from the evil of the envier when he envieth.
source:http://www.missionislam.com/quran/Surah%20Al-Falaq.htm
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Another Sleepless Night
I hear the rain outside and I wonder if that's what my heartbeat sounds like.
I sit up in bed praying for sleep for a tired body and an overactive mind.
I wonder if my body is getting ready for many more sleepless nights.
You are your momma's child.
You squirm and toss and turn just like her
Waiting, waiting, watching the clock, watching your daddy.
You've been nestled right next to my heart for what seems like forever.
I don't want to let you go.
Such a paradox.
I can't wait to hold you in my arms, yet my heart aches with loneliness at the thought that you wont be there to listen to it.
I guess this is to be my first lesson in motherhood.
Learning to let you go while aching to keep you close.
I sit up in bed praying for sleep for a tired body and an overactive mind.
I wonder if my body is getting ready for many more sleepless nights.
You are your momma's child.
You squirm and toss and turn just like her
Waiting, waiting, watching the clock, watching your daddy.
You've been nestled right next to my heart for what seems like forever.
I don't want to let you go.
Such a paradox.
I can't wait to hold you in my arms, yet my heart aches with loneliness at the thought that you wont be there to listen to it.
I guess this is to be my first lesson in motherhood.
Learning to let you go while aching to keep you close.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Homemade Remedies
Oatmeal Scrub
A stimulating, thoroughly cleansing 3-in-1 scrub!
Smooths, tones, and hydrates.
1 Tbsp. ground oatmeal (use steel cut oats, not instant)
1 tsp. lemon juice
2 tsp. yogurt
Combine and apply.
Optional: let your scrub double as a mask! Let it sit a few minutes before scrubbing and rinsing.
source: http://www.sassybella.com/2008/11/recession-proof-beauty-10-homemade-facial-scrubs/
Furniture Polish
Most of us no longer use hard-to-apply furniture wax, but rely on oil-based polish to keep furniture protected and shiny.
This "salad dressing" recipe for furniture polish avoids the danger of silicone oil, found in most commercial polishes and sprays. Silicone oil can penetrate tiny cracks in furniture finish and enter the wood, causing problems in the event refinishing is needed.
Lemon juice dissolves dirt and smudges, while olive oil shines and protects the wood:
Furniture Polish Recipe
Mix in a sprayer bottle:
* 1 cup olive oil
* 1/2 cup lemon juice
Shake well and apply a small amount to a flannel cleaning rag or cleaning cloth. Spread evenly over furniture surface. Turn cloth to a dry side and polish dry.
Baking Soda
Baking soda's mild abrasive action and natural deodorizing properties make it a powerful replacement for harsh commercial scouring powders. Put baking soda to work in your organized home:
Sprinkle baking soda onto a damp sponge to tackle grimy bathtub rings, scour vanities, or remove food deposits from the kitchen sink.
For tougher grime, make a paste of baking soda and water, apply to the tub or sink, and allow to stand for 10 to 20 minutes. Dirt, soap scum and deposits soften and are easier to remove.
Slow-running drains? Keep bathroom drains running freely by pouring 1/2 to 3/4 cup baking soda into the drain, and dribbling just enough hot water to wash the solution down. Let stand for 2 hours to overnight, then flush thoroughly with hot water. The deodorizing effect is an added bonus! [Do not use this method on blocked drains.]
source: http://organizedhome.com/clean-house/pantry-recipes-homemade-cleaning-products
Baking Soda
* Wipe shower curtains with baking soda on a damp sponge to remove mildew.
* Clean copper pots with a paste of baking soda and lemon juice; rinse and dry.
* Flush 1 cup of baking soda down the toilet once a week to keep the septic tank clear.
* To unclog a drain, mix 1 cup of salt and 1 cup of baking soda. Pour it into the drain, then follow with a pot of boiling water.
* Use a paste of baking soda to remove black heel marks from a vinyl floor.
* To remove burned or stuck food from pots, pans and casseroles (anything but aluminum), cover the burned food liberally with baking soda, cover with hot water and soak 10 minutes or longer.
* To absorb oil and grease from a garage floor, cover the spot with a layer of baking soda alone or baking soda mixed with cornmeal or mason’s sand. Let it sit overnight. Sweep up. Any traces of stain can be cleaned by wetting and scouring with baking soda and a scrub brush.
http://molly-mormon.com/12-things-to-do-with-baking-soda/
NOTE: I just copy and pasted the information in these sites. I am planning to use these recipes myself.
A stimulating, thoroughly cleansing 3-in-1 scrub!
Smooths, tones, and hydrates.
1 Tbsp. ground oatmeal (use steel cut oats, not instant)
1 tsp. lemon juice
2 tsp. yogurt
Combine and apply.
Optional: let your scrub double as a mask! Let it sit a few minutes before scrubbing and rinsing.
source: http://www.sassybella.com/2008/11/recession-proof-beauty-10-homemade-facial-scrubs/
Furniture Polish
Most of us no longer use hard-to-apply furniture wax, but rely on oil-based polish to keep furniture protected and shiny.
This "salad dressing" recipe for furniture polish avoids the danger of silicone oil, found in most commercial polishes and sprays. Silicone oil can penetrate tiny cracks in furniture finish and enter the wood, causing problems in the event refinishing is needed.
Lemon juice dissolves dirt and smudges, while olive oil shines and protects the wood:
Furniture Polish Recipe
Mix in a sprayer bottle:
* 1 cup olive oil
* 1/2 cup lemon juice
Shake well and apply a small amount to a flannel cleaning rag or cleaning cloth. Spread evenly over furniture surface. Turn cloth to a dry side and polish dry.
Baking Soda
Baking soda's mild abrasive action and natural deodorizing properties make it a powerful replacement for harsh commercial scouring powders. Put baking soda to work in your organized home:
Sprinkle baking soda onto a damp sponge to tackle grimy bathtub rings, scour vanities, or remove food deposits from the kitchen sink.
For tougher grime, make a paste of baking soda and water, apply to the tub or sink, and allow to stand for 10 to 20 minutes. Dirt, soap scum and deposits soften and are easier to remove.
Slow-running drains? Keep bathroom drains running freely by pouring 1/2 to 3/4 cup baking soda into the drain, and dribbling just enough hot water to wash the solution down. Let stand for 2 hours to overnight, then flush thoroughly with hot water. The deodorizing effect is an added bonus! [Do not use this method on blocked drains.]
source: http://organizedhome.com/clean-house/pantry-recipes-homemade-cleaning-products
Baking Soda
* Wipe shower curtains with baking soda on a damp sponge to remove mildew.
* Clean copper pots with a paste of baking soda and lemon juice; rinse and dry.
* Flush 1 cup of baking soda down the toilet once a week to keep the septic tank clear.
* To unclog a drain, mix 1 cup of salt and 1 cup of baking soda. Pour it into the drain, then follow with a pot of boiling water.
* Use a paste of baking soda to remove black heel marks from a vinyl floor.
* To remove burned or stuck food from pots, pans and casseroles (anything but aluminum), cover the burned food liberally with baking soda, cover with hot water and soak 10 minutes or longer.
* To absorb oil and grease from a garage floor, cover the spot with a layer of baking soda alone or baking soda mixed with cornmeal or mason’s sand. Let it sit overnight. Sweep up. Any traces of stain can be cleaned by wetting and scouring with baking soda and a scrub brush.
http://molly-mormon.com/12-things-to-do-with-baking-soda/
NOTE: I just copy and pasted the information in these sites. I am planning to use these recipes myself.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Terrified, II
*I wrote this a few months before I conceived and started getting the same insecurities.*
I'm scared of having children. Not the pain of labor or the unpleasantness of pregnancy (I am a teensy bit scared of that too), but the actual raising of said children.
I worry that my child will not like me, I worry that I will smother it, I worry that I will not give it enough attention, I worry that I will not be everything it wants in a mother. Aaaaaaah geeeeeeeez, why am I getting all teary just writing this?
Anyway, I want to raise children that are healthy, productive, aware, curious, intelligent, happy, secure, confident, kind, trust-worthy, loving, lovable, joyous, joyful, assertive, determined, creative, funny, reliable.
I wish I were all of those things.
Ultimately, I know that some of these things are genetic, there's only so much nurturing I can do to cultivate a habit. Character traits, in my opinion are there or not, and sometimes, all the loving and structure and standards in the world may not foster kindness.
And that also scares me. I know I am generally good. I know that my husband is good. But what if we have a child that is inherently bad. I have to love it all the same and what if I can't? What if I get a child that requires special attention and my other children are resentful, what if I can't help but to love a child more and it infringes upon the rights of my other children? What if my child is so much like me that it hurts?
So what?
I know that love is instinctive and that a mother will love her child and vice versa (inshaAllah), but at the same time, I want my child to love me and be proud of me and I want to love it with every fiber of my being. How can I not though, when I love it already?
What if my child brings me so much joy, the size of my heart increases just to contain it all? What if my child cures me, takes away all my heartache and misery and makes me laugh with abandon until I'm doubled over in sweet agony? What if my child teaches me things I didn't know and intensifies my moments of pleasure? What if my child just knows when I need a hug or a kiss? What if my child just senses that I need him or her to sit in my lap and look at me adoringly? What if my child is so much like me it hurts?
So what?
I can almost hear your heartbeat
I wonder if you love me yet
You keep me company on nights
the sun refuses to come up
and my back just wont let up
You and me, baby
Just us two
And your heartbeat
Do you hear mine?
A heart that beats a lullaby
Just for you, baby
A heart that loves
Unconditionally
Almost selfishly
Blindly
A heart that is filled
With joy
At the knowledge
That we belong
here
and
now
to each other
Rabbi habli min ladunka dhurriyyatan tayyibah, innaka sami-ud du'A
Rabbi la taZarni fardan wa anta khayrul warithin
Ameen
I'm scared of having children. Not the pain of labor or the unpleasantness of pregnancy (I am a teensy bit scared of that too), but the actual raising of said children.
I worry that my child will not like me, I worry that I will smother it, I worry that I will not give it enough attention, I worry that I will not be everything it wants in a mother. Aaaaaaah geeeeeeeez, why am I getting all teary just writing this?
Anyway, I want to raise children that are healthy, productive, aware, curious, intelligent, happy, secure, confident, kind, trust-worthy, loving, lovable, joyous, joyful, assertive, determined, creative, funny, reliable.
I wish I were all of those things.
Ultimately, I know that some of these things are genetic, there's only so much nurturing I can do to cultivate a habit. Character traits, in my opinion are there or not, and sometimes, all the loving and structure and standards in the world may not foster kindness.
And that also scares me. I know I am generally good. I know that my husband is good. But what if we have a child that is inherently bad. I have to love it all the same and what if I can't? What if I get a child that requires special attention and my other children are resentful, what if I can't help but to love a child more and it infringes upon the rights of my other children? What if my child is so much like me that it hurts?
So what?
I know that love is instinctive and that a mother will love her child and vice versa (inshaAllah), but at the same time, I want my child to love me and be proud of me and I want to love it with every fiber of my being. How can I not though, when I love it already?
What if my child brings me so much joy, the size of my heart increases just to contain it all? What if my child cures me, takes away all my heartache and misery and makes me laugh with abandon until I'm doubled over in sweet agony? What if my child teaches me things I didn't know and intensifies my moments of pleasure? What if my child just knows when I need a hug or a kiss? What if my child just senses that I need him or her to sit in my lap and look at me adoringly? What if my child is so much like me it hurts?
So what?
I can almost hear your heartbeat
I wonder if you love me yet
You keep me company on nights
the sun refuses to come up
and my back just wont let up
You and me, baby
Just us two
And your heartbeat
Do you hear mine?
A heart that beats a lullaby
Just for you, baby
A heart that loves
Unconditionally
Almost selfishly
Blindly
A heart that is filled
With joy
At the knowledge
That we belong
here
and
now
to each other
Rabbi habli min ladunka dhurriyyatan tayyibah, innaka sami-ud du'A
Rabbi la taZarni fardan wa anta khayrul warithin
Ameen
Friday, October 29, 2010
Random Thoughts and Confessions
1) It's Friday.
2) Please for the love of God, DON'T TOUCH MY BELLY. At least warn me first. I don't like being touched and it puts me in a bad mood, so just don't. The next time someone does this, I've promised myself that I'm going to grab the biggest part of their body (belly, backside, boobies).
3) It's Friday, but I can't be happy, because I basically have a shitload of stuff that I don't want to do but that has to be done this weekend. And I'm tired.
4) Please don't ask about my swollen feet or aching back and then tell me I shouldn't be feeling that. Please don't because I don't to have an assault and battery charge.
5) I have a hard time accepting weight gain even though I know I'm pregnant and supposed to be fat.
6) I want to sleep again.
7) I am extremely proud of myself for this conversation:
Rude Heffa: Oooh, you look tired! It must be a girl, you know how they steal your beauty! Haha!
Me: Uh, what?
RH: Well, that's what they say, if you're having a boy, you look better, but if you're having a girl, you look worse.
Me: Oh, well, you know that that's not true. You had a boy and you looked tired the whole time too.
RH: *stare*
Me: *grin*
8) My back hurts, my feet hurt, my head hurts, I can't sleep, I am tired. Yet, I can't
complain.
9) I haven't bought a single thing for this baby. Not a onesie, not a sock, not a mitten. Oy!
2) Please for the love of God, DON'T TOUCH MY BELLY. At least warn me first. I don't like being touched and it puts me in a bad mood, so just don't. The next time someone does this, I've promised myself that I'm going to grab the biggest part of their body (belly, backside, boobies).
3) It's Friday, but I can't be happy, because I basically have a shitload of stuff that I don't want to do but that has to be done this weekend. And I'm tired.
4) Please don't ask about my swollen feet or aching back and then tell me I shouldn't be feeling that. Please don't because I don't to have an assault and battery charge.
5) I have a hard time accepting weight gain even though I know I'm pregnant and supposed to be fat.
6) I want to sleep again.
7) I am extremely proud of myself for this conversation:
Rude Heffa: Oooh, you look tired! It must be a girl, you know how they steal your beauty! Haha!
Me: Uh, what?
RH: Well, that's what they say, if you're having a boy, you look better, but if you're having a girl, you look worse.
Me: Oh, well, you know that that's not true. You had a boy and you looked tired the whole time too.
RH: *stare*
Me: *grin*
8) My back hurts, my feet hurt, my head hurts, I can't sleep, I am tired. Yet, I can't
complain.
9) I haven't bought a single thing for this baby. Not a onesie, not a sock, not a mitten. Oy!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Preggo Perks
I figure being in the spirit of positivity, it would be a good idea to think of the good things I experience while pregnant. I have officially become one of those women. Women who can ONLY talk about pregnancy and babies. Eeeek!
Anyway, here goes:
1) Having a baby at the end of it. Definitely biggest perk.
2) That "never been in love like this before" feeling.
3) On that note, "And I thank you for choosing me/To come through unto life to be/A beautiful reflection of His grace/For I know that a gift so great/Is only one God could create" Lauryn Hill, Zion
4) Feeling things to the nth power. Every joke is 10 times funnier. I'm never just happy, I'm elated, overjoyed.
5) Holding him/her and just knowing that he/she is in there, with me.
6) Feeling my husband wrap his hand around me to get to his baby.
7) Being pampered by my husband.
8) Feeling more confident and secure
9) Growing, as a person. Actually seeing the changes in my thought process is fascinating
10) Not worrying about the state of MESS at home (although I do wonder how I'll cope once baby is here. Then I have a piece of cake)
11) Feeling the baby move
12) That first ultrasound where it looks like a baby
13) Hearing the baby's heart beat.
14) My husband's face as he listens to his child's heart beat.
15) People who are genuinely concerned about me and the baby.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
This IS My Normal
Aaaaaaah. I just had an epiphany.
It took a minute but I realized that in my head I kept wanting to get back to being normal. Like, my old self. I love the fact that I'm going to have a baby (inshaAllah) and I accept (or thought I did) the fact that nothing great comes easy and pregnancy makes both me and mini-me ready to meet each other.
Buuuuuuuut, I kept telling myself, once the sickness passes, I'll be my old self again. Then another round of symptoms came up and I still wasn't my old self (although I'll take these all day every day over those, alhamdulilah).
Then it hit me, WHAAAAAAAAAM, I will NEVER be or feel like my old self. I will NEVER be the same person. And that's OK, that's great, because I'll hopefully be a mommy.
I realize that this might be kinda duh for some people, but it took some time for it to sink in. I was reading someone's experience and battle with the "baby blues" after her baby came and I was wondering if she maybe had unrealistic expectations of what having a baby would be like. And if I could avoid having baby blues, or it's more serious counterpart, PPD.
I am not in any way trying to make light of PPD, and I am referring to the more common and less serious "baby blues". This woman had complained throughout pregnancy about not fitting into old clothes, not being able to go out with friends, how much life will change. And while I was wondering if changing her attitude during pregnancy could have better prepared her, I slapped my forehead and saw that I was kinda doing the same, to a lesser extent.
So now, I am grateful. I am grateful to have the possibility of bringing home baby. I am grateful that I am better now. I am grateful to have a wonderful spouse and support system. I am grateful to live in a country and in a time that help is available to me whenever I need it. I am grateful that I now understand that the most important thing is having a healthy baby and being healthy myself. I am most grateful for my belief in Allah and for His guidance.
It took a minute but I realized that in my head I kept wanting to get back to being normal. Like, my old self. I love the fact that I'm going to have a baby (inshaAllah) and I accept (or thought I did) the fact that nothing great comes easy and pregnancy makes both me and mini-me ready to meet each other.
Buuuuuuuut, I kept telling myself, once the sickness passes, I'll be my old self again. Then another round of symptoms came up and I still wasn't my old self (although I'll take these all day every day over those, alhamdulilah).
Then it hit me, WHAAAAAAAAAM, I will NEVER be or feel like my old self. I will NEVER be the same person. And that's OK, that's great, because I'll hopefully be a mommy.
I realize that this might be kinda duh for some people, but it took some time for it to sink in. I was reading someone's experience and battle with the "baby blues" after her baby came and I was wondering if she maybe had unrealistic expectations of what having a baby would be like. And if I could avoid having baby blues, or it's more serious counterpart, PPD.
I am not in any way trying to make light of PPD, and I am referring to the more common and less serious "baby blues". This woman had complained throughout pregnancy about not fitting into old clothes, not being able to go out with friends, how much life will change. And while I was wondering if changing her attitude during pregnancy could have better prepared her, I slapped my forehead and saw that I was kinda doing the same, to a lesser extent.
So now, I am grateful. I am grateful to have the possibility of bringing home baby. I am grateful that I am better now. I am grateful to have a wonderful spouse and support system. I am grateful to live in a country and in a time that help is available to me whenever I need it. I am grateful that I now understand that the most important thing is having a healthy baby and being healthy myself. I am most grateful for my belief in Allah and for His guidance.
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