Terrified, II

*I wrote this a few months before I conceived and started getting the same insecurities.*



I'm scared of having children. Not the pain of labor or the unpleasantness of pregnancy (I am a teensy bit scared of that too), but the actual raising of said children.

I worry that my child will not like me, I worry that I will smother it, I worry that I will not give it enough attention, I worry that I will not be everything it wants in a mother. Aaaaaaah geeeeeeeez, why am I getting all teary just writing this?

Anyway, I want to raise children that are healthy, productive, aware, curious, intelligent, happy, secure, confident, kind, trust-worthy, loving, lovable, joyous, joyful, assertive, determined, creative, funny, reliable.

I wish I were all of those things.

Ultimately, I know that some of these things are genetic, there's only so much nurturing I can do to cultivate a habit. Character traits, in my opinion are there or not, and sometimes, all the loving and structure and standards in the world may not foster kindness.

And that also scares me. I know I am generally good. I know that my husband is good. But what if we have a child that is inherently bad. I have to love it all the same and what if I can't? What if I get a child that requires special attention and my other children are resentful, what if I can't help but to love a child more and it infringes upon the rights of my other children? What if my child is so much like me that it hurts?

So what?

I know that love is instinctive and that a mother will love her child and vice versa (inshaAllah), but at the same time, I want my child to love me and be proud of me and I want to love it with every fiber of my being. How can I not though, when I love it already?

What if my child brings me so much joy, the size of my heart increases just to contain it all? What if my child cures me, takes away all my heartache and misery and makes me laugh with abandon until I'm doubled over in sweet agony? What if my child teaches me things I didn't know and intensifies my moments of pleasure? What if my child just knows when I need a hug or a kiss? What if my child just senses that I need him or her to sit in my lap and look at me adoringly? What if my child is so much like me it hurts?

So what?

I can almost hear your heartbeat
I wonder if you love me yet
You keep me company on nights
the sun refuses to come up
and my back just wont let up
You and me, baby
Just us two
And your heartbeat
Do you hear mine?
A heart that beats a lullaby
Just for you, baby
A heart that loves
Unconditionally
Almost selfishly
Blindly
A heart that is filled
With joy
At the knowledge
That we belong
here
and
now
to each other

Rabbi habli min ladunka dhurriyyatan tayyibah, innaka sami-ud du'A

Rabbi la taZarni fardan wa anta khayrul warithin

Ameen